#14: Kabbalah

Sick of Punking people? Burned out after years of being an oversexed icon named after the mother of the Son of God? In the '90s you might have tried yoga or, if you were averse to sweating through your shirt, pilates. But nothing cured what ailed the soul in the aughts quite like a little touch of Kabbalah. What is it? Don't ask the Jews. Most of us don't really know. Yet in the aughts, some of Hollywood's biggest names (Madonna, Ashton Kutcher, Britney Spears) sought out some of Judaism's most famous names. I'm talking bout Solomon ibn Babirol. I'm talking bout Bahya ben Asher. And my main motherfucker, Rabbi Isaac Luria.


"Hello, Molly. How's it going?"
"Bad, in general. I just finalized my petition for a legal separation of marriage. Evan is about to move out of our mutual domicile. But at least there's the tax benefits."
"That sounds like a precarious arrangement. Are you using any sort of ancient Eastern tradition to help ease the transition to celibacy?"
"Well, I was considering primal scream therapy, but I just started a class on Kabbalah at the YMCA instead"
"Oh, yes. I heard about the book of Zohar from Oprah's book club. Much better than The Corrections."

#13: Chappelle's Show

Image Source

Chappelle's Show was a television program created by comedians Neal Brennan and Dave Chappelle that aired on networks around the world from 2003 to 2006. Almost universally beloved by the crucial 18-24 year old demographic, the show was noted for its intense, Pryorian focus on racial stereotypes. When comedian Carlos Mencia attempted the same on his show later in the decade, it was instantly reviled by that same demographic, proving once and for all that we prefer our racial humor to be delivered by thin, African American men rather than stocky hispanic ones.

To this day, TBS still refuses to accept this fact.


"Hello Greg, what are you working on?"
"Oh, hi Neil. I just converted my traditional IRA to a Roth account."
"That's very smart . . . Diversify yo' bonds, n****!"
"My goodness! Did you just say the 'n' word?!?"
"Well yeah, but it was a quote from Chapelle's Show. You know, the one with Wu-Tang Financial."
"Oh, OK. My mistake. I didn't realize you were quoting Chapelle's Show. No harm done. In fact, I now think what you said is funny, and, even though I haven't see the episode, I may use that quote in conversation in the future!"
"Sounds like an excellent plan. Almost as excellent as that Roth IRA of your's!"
"Right. Well then, good day, sir. Say hi to Bridgette and the kids for me. Oh, and before you leave, I'm riiicchhh, beeyotch!!"
"Hahahaha. Well said. We are both quite rich. Quite rich indeed."

#12: Carbohydrates

Villainized by Robert Atkins and countless local TV morning shows, the carbohydrate was a food item that prior to the advent of the aughts was practically unheard of, much like tilapia in the '90s and the Jews in the '30s. But unlike tilapia, it soon became the scapegoat for a nation in unrest. As waistlines expanded, the calls for answers from parents' groups and Tony Little grew more shrill. The carb's time had come.

Soon, they were rounded up and isolated or altogether eradicated on the menus of American gastronomical bastions like TGI Friday's in favor of new dishes like the "Chicken La Boca" (from the Boca region of France). Suddenly burgers went without buns. Corndogs without the cornbread condom. And the yeast infection was but a whisper.

It made for uncomfortable discussions around the family dinner table.

"Father, Billy O'Connor was talking about carbs in Ms. Johnson's class at school. What is a carb?"
"Billy means carbohydrates. Carb is their street name."
"Well what is it?"
"Well you know what HIV is, right?"
"Well, sure. The Human Immunodeficiency Virus."
"That's right. It's just like that but for sandwiches."

So it was. Much like the condor and the virgin, the carbohydrate was nearly extinct by the aughts' close. But for the onset of the transfat in 2006, the carbohydrate might have only been read on the menus of blogs like this one.

#11: The Octomom

The Octomom's existence raised a variety of questions that raged in the hearts and minds of pop culture commentators everywhere. Questions like: What race is she? Should I use only the straight on picture of her grotesquely bloated stomach for my blog post or should I also include the profile? What am I doing with my life? And of course, Is she pretty?

But above all, the great debate that plagued these purveyors of popular opinion to no end and raised doubts about their fundamental nature was the following: Should I make snarky comments about the Octomom, or should I piously criticize her? Throughout the blogosphere and primetime celebrity tabloid show-o-sphere, mud was slung and high horses were mounted. No matter which side you fell on, the important thing is that we got people talking! Free speech had truly had its day.

"Can you believe this Octomom woman?!?"
"Yeah, I know, she fine!"
"Wait . . . what?"
"Uh, I mean, yes. I am now and have always been staunchly anti-Octomom."
"Yeah . . . yeah, me too."
". . . . ."
". . . . ."
"So, I guess I'll see you around this weekend?"
"Yeah, uh, sure, I'll give you a call or something."
"All right. Well, uh, bye."
"Yeah. Yeah, bye."

#10: Livestrong Impostors

In the '90s, cancer was mostly the stuff of legend. It occasionally served as a plot arc in romantic comedies and less frequently in spy thrillers (see CLEAR AND PRESENT DANGER). But by the aughts, showing people that you were not only aware of cancer but super hated it as well became paramount. There was perhaps no better way than by wearing a yellow, silicone bracelet endorsed by perhaps the greatest monotesticular athlete of our time. Jog with it. Beat Greg from Accounting in squash in it. Stretch an arm across the bar in it while waiting for a Michelob Ultra.

But before long, there was a silicone bracelet for everything.

Breast cancer ad executive: We need a successful ad campaign.
Prostate cancer ad executive: Those testicular douchebags seem to be on to something.
Breast cancer ad executive: What if we chose a color?
Lung cancer ad executive: I kind of like that.
Breast cancer ad executive: We call pink!
Colon cancer ad executive: We call brown!

After Big Cancer got their mitts on the nation's silicone reserves, the lesser known causes got in on the action.


Abortion holocaust awareness!

Anaphylaxis awareness!

60's baseball awareness!

#9: Crocs Backlash

Crocs are a brand of shoes. That's it. They're just shoes. Crocs never told a single racist joke. Crocs do not care if gay people get married or not. Crocs have never asked to borrow money from you, nor have they ever tried to sleep with your sister. Crocs have never hung the toilet paper in improper overhand fashion. Crocs do not prefer Jay Leno to Conan O'Brien. Crocs do not enjoy the music of Panic! At The Disco. Crocs have never saved over your Final Fantasy XII game slot. Crocs never hit 72 home runs in a season, and even if they did, they would not have used illicit performance enhancing drugs to do so. Crocs have never deleted the most recent episode of Burn Notice off of your DVR before you got to see it. Crocs have never allowed your best friend to cook them chicken tetrazzini. Crocs have never outbid you by one dollar on contestant's row.

Crocs never once came over to your house and took a shit in the tank, rather than the bowl, of your toilet.

And yet, this Facebook group boasts one and a half million members, while this one only has 125,000. The aughts sucked.

"Crocs are so stupid."

"Yeah, they're stupid."

"Yeah."

#8: The Word "Fail"

Fail is an English verb that was commonly used as a noun on the Internet throughout the aughts. Its purpose is to sardonically highlight the mistakes of others. Often it was combined with another noun or phrase. For example, someone might see the picture above on a blog and type "google search fail" in the comments. This was theoretically funny.


"Would you describe Britney Spears' comeback performance at the 2007 VMAs as a 'fail' or an 'epic fail'?"
"Dude, I don't even know anymore."

#7: The Investment Banking Collapse

The good times had to end. Eating Sushi off of Thai hookers and tooting hog rails in Saint Tropez couldn't last forever. You were up to your ass in derivatives and your managing director was found tits up in a bathtub filled with 18-year-old Scotch. Lesson learned. You packed up the Black Lab and called up some buddies you once shared a NetJet with for biz school reccs.

TO: admissions@hbs.edu
FROM: gordongecko95@aol.com
DATE: 4 March 2010 02:26
SUBJECT: Admission Status

Dear Sirs,

I have extensive experience writing strategic documents on monetary instruments in world markets, analyzing pro forma effects of M&A activity, and participating in public equity process.

I further wish to communicate to you that I am a white dude and I understand that Harvard Business School has an illustrious history of liking white dudes.

Also my dad says hey.

Sincerely,
You

#6: Complaining That Your Parents Are On Facebook

When the social networking website Facebook exploded in the late aughts, everyone with Internet access created a profile, including many existing user's parents, which endlessly vexed these users for a variety of reasons that they were only too happy to relate to other Facebook users in conversation.

"My mom is SO RIDICULOUS on Facebook. She's on it ALL THE TIME."

"Yes. Yes! I want to have this conversation with you. Please, tell me more. Perhaps you could relate a humorous anecdote about some risque content you generated on Facebook that your mother ended up seeing? I am eagerly awaiting this anecdote. Surely, it will be hilarious."

#5: The Diamond Rio mp3 player

At the turn of the aughts, and before all those shadowy dudes nancing around to Feist, there was the Diamond Rio 300. The very first device of its kind, it weighed in at 32 MB, and played about 12 songs (more if you used mp2's with 33% less mp). It came preloaded with a couple tracks from bands you had never heard of like Ozomatli and Floetry.

It lacked the highly developed sense of irony, sleek design, and detached-slack-shouldered-loner meme dominance of its iPod counterpart. Like the Laser Disc, Minidisc, and HD-DVD, the low mass techniks had spoken. Eventually, kids with Rios, Nomads, and the HP Paperweight were forced to buy white headphones and stuff their mp3 players, with their cheaper pricepoint and superior data storage, safely in their LEI's, hidden from judgmental eyes.

"Would it give you pleasure to listen to the new Hoobastank album on my mp3 player?"
"What is an mp3 player?"
"I mean an iPod."
"Produce the iPod. I would like to enjoy this Hoobastank. I hear they are of a similar auditory experience to Incubus."
"Come closer."
"Please remove the device from your pocket."
"I'd prefer not."
"But you must."
(removes mp3 player)
"Say! This isn't an iPod at all! Where did you get this? Service Merchandise? Good day, sir!"





Another popular aughts game: cut moody CBS footage over shitty country songs.

#4: Blogs Like The One You Are Reading Right Now

During the latter half of the aughts, blogs like the one you are reading right now proliferated throughout the Internet. They are really easy to write because they're just giant lists of things and potentially lucrative because they could become viral and get you a book deal.

"Hey Ben, you wanna start an aughts nostalgia blog with me?"

"Meh."

"Somebody may buy it and make it into a book...."

"Where do I sign?'"

#3: Bringing Up The Voyage Of The Mimi in Conversation

The Voyage Of The Mimi was a multi-part semi-educational PBS miniseries that was the most important cultural touchstone in the life of anyone who went to middle school in the mid-nineties. Once these people got to high school and college, they would begin referencing the series in conversations with their peers to hilarious effect.

"Dude, remember Voyage Of The Mimi?!?!?"
"Yes. Yes I do."
"Remember Sally Ruth?"
"Yes. I do remember Sally Ruth."
"Remember the part where the two dudes got into the sleeping bag naked together?"
"Yes. I also remember the part where the two dudes got into the sleeping bag naked together."
"Oh man, remember how Ben Affleck was in it?"
"Yes. I remember that as well. You have now sufficiently impressed me with your knowledge of Voyage Of The Mimi. Let us laugh uproariously together, not because you have said something funny, but because you are referencing something that we both remember from our childhood and that is what passes for humor in a post-Family Guy world. You have convinced me that you are a lighthearted, clever person. Perhaps we can be friends. Now, as I said before, let us commence with the laughter in order to consummate this important bonding experience we just had."
(laughter ensues)

#2: The Word "Meh"

Throughout the aughts, Simpsons references became so commonplace that people began referencing the show without even knowing they were doing it. One of these references was the word "meh," which was used to convey profound indifference. It even has its own Wikipedia entry.


"An unbelievably massive tsunami occurred in the Indian Ocean today. It killed almost 230,000 people in 14 different countries. The earthquake that triggered it reached 9.3 on the Richter scale, making it the second largest earthquake ever recorded. It was truly a disaster of epic proportions. I'm about to make a donation to the worldwide relief fund, wanna join me?"
"Meh."

#1: Garden State

Garden State was a movie released in 2004 that, depending on how advanced you were at the time, either marked the point in time when you first became aware of The Shins or the point when The Shins stopped being cool forever.

"Garden State? That movie sucked pipe. Oh, you liked it? Yeah, I used to like it too . . . I guess."