Friday, May 21, 2010

#23: Lost



In 2003, a man named Lloyd Braun, who was the president of ABC at the time, became aware of the popularity of stranded-on-an-island-based entertainments and decided he wanted a piece of the action. He hired the dude who created X-Files and one of the writers from Nash Bridges and set them loose. Then he went to play a little golf.

When he got back, Braun learned that ABC was planning on firing him. Naturally, he spent his remaining time at the company trying to fuck things up as much as possible. He stole office supplies, used the copier to make thousands of pictures of his genitals, and greenlit pilots for three separate Family Matters spin-offs.* Perhaps most notably, he spent $12 million to film the first episode of his island show that had now been re-written to include a secret underground hatch, a polar bear, and a people-eating column of black smoke.

Thus, the last truly great network television drama was born.


LOSTaholic4: "What about Friday Night Lights?"
DRivEShAFt8: "Yeah! I love that show!"
SawyersBallz15: "THAT SHOW SUCKS. B===D~~~~"
Mr_Cluck16: "IMO, they intentionally chose not to mention Friday Night Lights as a meta-commentary on the nature of good vs. evil."
DRivEShAFt8: "Interesting take."
LapidusTheFetus23: "Re: Mr_Cluck16, they time traveled back in post #15, so the authors of the blog wouldn't even be aware of the existence of Friday Night Lights."
LOSTaholic4: "OIC Good point, Fetus!"
MzJackShephard42: "omg i luvs awtsblog its hilarius and sooooo awesum lolz!"
Mr_Cluck16: "::Bows to Fetus' superior ANB knowledge."
DRivEShAFt8: "Do you guys think Corey is the smoke monster?"
LOSTaholic4: "Corey is the smoke monster and Ben is going to take over for Jacob as the protector of the blog, but he'll have to die in the final post to do so."
Mr_Cluck16: "Am happy they're going to kill Ben off. He's the Nicki and Paulo of AughtsNostagliaBlog."




*     *     *



* Urkel in Space, in which Urkel builds a spaceship and travels the universe accidentally knocking over space wedding cakes and constantly pestering the space-Winslows; Did I Do That!?, a hidden camera show hosted by Jaleel White in which actors infiltrate restaurants and family gatherings, accidentally knock things over, and them scream "Did I do that?!?" as the crew rushes on scene; and Family Matters: Special Victims Unit, in which Urkel graduates college, joins the police force, is partnered with Carl, and the two investigate rapes and molestations in metropolitan Chicago.

Monday, May 17, 2010

#22: High End Macaroni and Cheese


You're at that new Tom Colichio restaurant on the firm's dime, sitting next to that tenderoni who's dating that douchebag Todd from accounting. You're scanning the menu, but you only recognize every third word. Shallot? (A potato of some kind?), Babaganouj? (that Who song?), Jerusalem artichoke (still illegal in three states?). But then up pops a familiar face. Macaroni and cheese.

Sure, it's $11, but hey, you're out of college. Kraft Easy Mac is no longer the only thing standing between you and a life spent on the street turning tricks. You pull the trigger.

Raul the waiter plops it in front of you served in a little ceramic dish, or a sterling silver ramekin, or a hollowed out capuchin monkey skull. You take a bite. Your mouth is alive. Is that bourbon? Aged gouda? Creme fraiche? What's an ementaller? Who cares!?

"Say, this restaurant is somewhat expensive. Just look at the price of this Beef Wellington!"
"Hey, this place must be both hip and with-it. They offer Meat Loaf stuffed with olives and virgin goat's milk."
"Can you taste the truffled butter in the organic red mule grits?"
"Yeah, of course I can taste the truffled butter. Why? Can you not taste the truffled butter?"
"No, of course I can taste the truffled butter. I just wanted to make sure you could."
"Yeah. No, I'm definitely good."

Sunday, May 2, 2010

#21: Having Lil Wayne Do A Guest Verse On Your Track




Dwayne Carter spent most of the aughts sitting alone in a cavernous chamber deep within Wayne Manor for 16 to 18 hours a day, clutching a snifter of cough syrup while mumbling barely intelligible stream of consciousness ramblings into a microphone, pausing only for sleep and the occasional tooth-shining. These recordings were then sent to a top-secret room where a team of elves worked round the clock to separate the actual words from the codeine-addled jibberish (of course, some jibberish did slip through the cracks. The elves were good, but there was an awful lot of jibberish). These words were then grouped together by theme or tone of voice to form 30 to 45 second long verses, the best of which were paired with beats to be released as a mixtape or, in rare cases, a proper LP bearing the Lil Wayne name. Each verse that was not lucky enough to make it onto a Wayne release was loaded onto a USB memory stick, placed in an unmarked envelope, and mailed to a rapper chosen from Wayne Manor's detailed rapper database, which contained the names and addresses of every MC alive. Each day, rappers all over the world would wake up really early in the morning and run out to their mailbox in their pajamas to check and see if they had received a verse, which they would be free to use on their own album, mixtape, or "even though I'm in prison, please don't forget about me" time-released track.

It is estimated that 95 to 99 percent of rappers received a verse from Lil Wayne at some point in time in their career. Those who didn't were laughed at and called names by the other rappers and were forbidden from joining in any rapper games.


"Hey Gavin, what's up?"
"Not much Justin, how are you?"
"I'm cool. Have you heard the new Gucci Mane track? It's awesome."
"No, uh, I'm not really into him."
"Seriously?"
"Yeah, his music is a little too . . . uh . . . 'street', if you know what I mean."
"What? I don't follow."
"You know, his sound, it's, um, how do I put this . . . a little 'hardcore' or 'dark', if you will."
"Oh, OK. I see what you're getting at. Well, that's a shame, this song is really good. Wayne's verse is sick."
"Lil Wayne?!?! Why didn't you say so in the first place?! I saw him on The View once! I love that guy!"
"Fuck you."