#28: The Phrase "I'm a Grown-Ass Man!"

In the aughts, any old shlub off the street with a dick and a dream could be a grown man provided they were able to stay alive long enough. But some aspired to something more. They were not content with just being run of the mill everyday grown men. They wanted to be grown-ass men.

The grown-ass man is strident. He has opinions and principles, and he's not afraid to share them. The benefits of grown-ass mandom are many, but the most notable is being able to say "I'm a grown-ass man!" whenever someone questions his motives or actions. There is no adequate response to this.

Unfortunately, this statement can work against the grown-ass man, for if he fails to live up to the many expectations required of his station, then someone can say "You're a grown-ass man!" the implication being that the grown-ass man in question has disappointed the speaker. The grown-ass man must take care to act grown at all times, a responsibility that is not required of the standard grown man, who is free to act like a child as often as he sees fit.


"Have you finished your homework yet?"
"Don't come at me like that moms! I'm a grown-ass man! You can't tell me nothin!"
"Ira, you're 13 years old."
"You can take that shit up with Rabbi Birnbaum. Don't act like you ain't heard what he said in shul Saturday."
"Ira, it doesn't exactly work like that, sweetie..."
"Hit me up when dinner ready, I'm fi'in to go to Moishe crib. He got some fine-ass bitches up in there."
"Moishe's sisters are not bitches. They're very nice girls."

#27: The Phrase "It Is What It Is"

Like yada yada yada of the '90s and wubba wubba wubba of the '80s, the aughts needed a disposable phrase to use as a dismissive form of punctuation, or as a stopgap, between 'like' and 'you know'. IIWII lacked the whimsy of its predecessors, reflecting the post-9/11 pre-recession dyspepsia of a generation convinced that America's course was now determined by a chaos theory whose primary variables were some arid sheep farmers and their neighbors' split-level ranch being reclaimed by National Bank of Schindler.

USAGE:

This: "This book report on 'The Unbearable Lightness of Being' fails to consider the malaise of post-Soviet Czechoslavakia as it relates to Tomas's relationships. But it's due in 3 hours. It is what it is."

Not this: When the mind can take itself as an object it is what it is.

Usage Note: In lighter moments one might substitute "That's what she said". Most people in the aughts believed they came up with this joke before it was popularized by the television program "The Office".

#26: The DaVinci Code

In 2003, America decided they'd like to give this whole "reading" thing a try. Since they were all laughed out from the hilarious shenanigans of the families on Everybody Loves Raymond and King of Queens, they wanted something a bit darker. They yearned for mystery, suspense, a large number of easily digestible short chapters that could be read while taking a shit, and a heaping serving of Jesus.

Enter Dan Brown.

The marginally successful author of Deception Point and Angels and Demons struck gold with his fourth novel, The DaVinci Code. Based on the 1982 theoretical non-fiction account of Jesus' progeny, Holy Blood, Holy Grail, The DaVinci Code was translated into 44 languages and sold over 80 million copies worldwide. Stephen King once referred to it as "the intellectual equivalent of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese."


"I love readin'!"
"Really? Me too! My favorite author would have to be either Roth or Mailer, but I'll always have a soft spot for the works of Tom Wolfe; Bonfire of the Vanities was my first love. How about you?"
"Me, I like that Brown fella what wrote them books about Jesus' family and the English babysitter what had written the ones about the wizards n' such."
"(sigh)"

#25: Turning on Dave Matthews Band After they Released Everyday

In the 1990's, The Dave Matthews Band were beloved by nearly everybody. Their pop sensibilities, masterful musicianship, and racially diverse lineup made them the act we could all agree on.

All of that changed in 2001 when the band teamed up with Alanis Morisette's producer to release their fourth studio album, a slicker, more electric, and less rootsy album called Everyday. From that point forward, hating Everyday but loving everything that came before it (while making sure to praise the bootleg Lillywhite Sessions in the process) was the only acceptable position for any serious DMB fan.

Luckily for Dave Matthews and his band, everyone who hated Everyday also purchased the album. Newly armed with the knowledge that they could release sub-par material with minimal effort and still become increasingly wealthy, the band continued to release successively worse albums, culminating in 2009's Big Whiskey and the GrooGrux King, a dissonant amalgamation of nonsensical syllables and musical phrases that sold over 1,000,000 copies and was nominated for two Grammys.

"I used to like Dave Matthews."

"Yeah, me too, you stopped listening to them after Everyday, right?"

"No, I'm really only into Remember Two Things and some of the early Trax recordings. Not the officially released 'LiveTRAX' series of course, but the soundboard recordings from the actual club Trax where they used to play in the early 90's. Once Peter Griesar left, it just got too commercial."

"I see. Well played."

#24: The Word "Redonkulous"

In the aughts, every group of friends included one person who continued to use the word "redonkulous" long after it was cool* to use the word "redonkulous." These people are all now.employed as celebrity commentators for US Weekly.


"Hey girlfriend! Me and Skyler went to see Herbie: Fully Loaded last night! The ending was straight redonkulous!"
" (sigh) . . . "
"What?"
"Get out."
"What? Why?! What did I say?!"
"Just . . . get out."



*The only time it was cool to say "redonkulous" was a brief but memorable three week period between April 15th and May 6th during the spring of 2001.